Leggy’s Lament, or “Why Is Everyone Always Picking on Meeee?”

Why is everyone always picking on me?
I have such a handsome face,
But they say I am too pretty,
And my hair is never out of place.

Just because I stay neat and clean,
And keep my blonde locks shiny,
If I don’t shampoo at least twice a day,
I get cantankerous and whiny.

They call me Captain Obvious,
Nancy Fancy Pants and more,
Whenever I open my pretty mouth,
They say I’m such a bore.

When upon the oliphaunt I leapt,
The audience laughed & mocked & jeered,
The ‘bookies’ said it was too cheesy,
Unbelievable, and too weird!

Everyone thinks Aragorn is so manly,
With that stubble, beard, sword and grime,
Personally, I thought it was disgusting,
Would just one bath have been a crime?

As for Gandalf, the wizard, well,
Bill the Pony’s got more sense,
The geezer thought he’d fight a balrog,
Could he really have been so dense?

Gandalf was such a dimwit,
He nearly lost his job,
He told the balrog he could not pass,
And nearly became a wiz-ka-bob.

Boromir should have listened to Elrond,
He really was such a dummy,
He messed up things quite royally,
And ended up with arrows in his tummy.

That runt Gimli’s a big mouth,
A braggart, and a lush to boot,
When it comes to skills with bows and arrows,
It’s the pretty elf who can shoot!

As for picking on Frodo, that cutie,
You’ll all think I’m a great big meanie,
He’s got those blue eyes and all that,
But privately I think he’s a weenie.

Oh sure, the other three hobbits are funny,
And for cuteness can’t be beat,
But let me tell you a secret,
They all have great big smelly feet!

So quit picking on me, you big meanies!
All the others had their failings, too,
If you want a Real Hero,
I’m just the elf for you!

I can’t help if I’m perfect,
So graceful, suave, and keen,
Those other bumbling idiots,
Were always trying to steal my scene.

At least I have my hoards of fangirls,
Who scream and faint and drool,
They think I’m hot and studly,
Fantastic, awesome, and kewl!

My loyal fangirls all love me,
They think I’m bright and smart, the wittiest,
So dashing in my elven outfit,
They all think I am the prettiest!

by LinweSingollo