1. Éomer
Nephew to King Théoden of Rohan, he was booted out because the King’s evil party planner, Gríma, was afraid that he would figure out that he was indeed working for Saruman. Éomer remained loyal to Théoden, while at the same time building a fan club of screaming Rohan maidens who took a fancy for his long, flowing locks, scruffy face and leather-clad body armour. A fine horseman, he rode the land slaying orcs that dared tread upon Rohan, until his crazy uncle was released from his spell-induced quick-age program. Polishing his sword, Guthwine, he joined his uncle on the battlefield to rid the land of evil. His heroics and fine spear-throwing upon the battlefield were the cause of much swooning amongst the fair maidens who would die for a date with him.
After the War of the Ring, Éomer renewed his pact with King Elessar and returned home as King of Rohan since his uncle Théoden bit the dust on the battlefield. Rumour has it that eventually some wench from Dol Amroth came along and tricked him into marriage.
2. Aragorn
Raised by beautiful pointy-eared Elves in Rivendell. He’s the heir to the throne of Gondor, but somehow prefers crawling through mud and lying in bushes to keep an eye on some Hobbits. He fancies an over 3000 year old Elf-maiden, who in her turn isn’t too happy about her lover’s huge fanclub. After dolling himself up in kingly robes, Aragorn along with his friends decided it was time to break the lease that the evil renter in Mordor had. After a much heated discussion in which someone lost their head (and we won’t mention names here), it was taken to the battlefield, where Aragorn and his friends proved who had the rightful title to the land. Evil was chased out of town! Gondor became home for Aragorn, and when he became King Elessar, that hard-headed Elf from Rivendell finally consented to let his daughter marry him.
3. Elrond
Captured along with his brother Elros as a wee lad by Fëanor’s brood in Arvernien, was befriended by Maglor (perhaps… not the best choice, but hey, such is life and blah, blah, blah…) during the FA. Nonetheless, he knocked the proverbial socks off of the Valar with his sharp fashion sense and always coming in first in the tiara toss, so they took a meeting and offered Elrond the choice to become a great Elven lord or stay mortal worm-food, like his brother Elros. He chose the former.
During the SA, he was Gil-galad’s herald, who bequeathed him a silly ring, called Vilya, before his untimely death. Taking a rag-tag group of Elves after the debacle in Eregion, he founded a small but really spiffy refugee camp called Imladris.
In the TA, he got hitched to Celebrían of Lothlórien and did the Dad-thing, having three kids – Arwen, Elrohir and Elladan and, oh yeah, harboured the remaining ancestor of Isildur, called Aragorn…or Estel…or Ranger, depending. Anyway, Elrond was a busy Elf who loved intrigue and all things maroon, so he called a council of different races together in his pretty valley and gave them the charge of destroying a master ring made by some guy called Sauron. Actually, he just wanted to start his vacation on the blessed shores and get the scruffy git, Aragorn, away from his daughter in the process. The destroying of the ring thing worked out fine, but keeping Aragorn away from his daughter was another matter. They married, she got mortal and Elrond got packing. He now resides amongst the elite on the blessed shores, along with some furry-footed Hobbit, named Frodo. At last word, Elrond was trying in vain to teach the Hobbit the difference between an A-line and Bias-cut robe.
4. Legolas Legolas Greenleaf, son of the King Thranduil of Mirkwood, arrived at the council of Elrond in time to become a member of the Fellowship of nine, which included some of the really big names in Middle-earth. He was an archer of amazing ability, being able to fire off as many as three arrows at a time. He also used his pair of long knives with great skill, and which he kept strapped to his back. And attached to his belt was his fanny pack, where he kept his comb and brush, his polish remover, his powder puff and his scrunchies…all of which he made a point of using as soon as possible after a battle was over, as he realised he had to look beautiful for all his fans who wouldn’t tolerate him looking all dirty and scruffy like Aragorn. Now one would think that someone as prettiful as Legolas would have a bevy of elf maidens running around. But not Legolas. He and his best buddy, Gimli, liked hanging out with Aragorn. Legolas figured that’s where all the action would be. Nothing like fighting, bows and arrows, and dead bodies all around. Girls? Who needs that hassle.
5. Haldir
The Guardian of Lothlórien. Haldir is a pointy-eared elf who divides his time between guarding the Golden woods, guiding the Fellowship in and out of Lothlórien and swooning fan girls. In the movies, he is also seen at Helm’s Deep, where he is killed, which upset many fan girls. When he wants to spend some time away from fan girls, he happily roams the golden woods for pesky spies who try to sneak in, and threatens wandering dwarves.
6. Fëanor
This passionate blacksmith can give a woman any jewellery she wants. Creator of the Silmarils, he will enlighten the dark nights with his art. Watch out for his seven loyal sons however, they will always abide by their father’s will (and hey, since his wife stayed in Valinor, he might be considered as a bachelor).
7. Frodo
The pouty-lipped, sapphire-eyed hobbit-hero of our story who offers to tote a piece of evil jewellery to a remote volcano for a meltdown. Inspires fan-girls to hug the stuffings out of him with his tremulous tears and near-fatal run-in with a huge spider with a bad temper. Upon his return home, he remains a confirmed bachelor – possibly due to the jealous devotion of his faithful side-kick, Samwise Gamgee – and sails off into the sunset to a happy retirement.
8. Erenion Gil-galad
Last High-king of the Noldor, he wielded an awesome Orc-sticker… er… spear, named Aeglos. Despite his best efforts to defeat Sauron, said evil Maiar toasted Gil-galad at the end of the Battle of the Last Alliance. Rumours have it that his father was Fingon, but others say it was Orodred. Only his mother knows. He remained a bachelor while alive in Middle-earth, with Elrond Peredhil as his herald.
9. Faramir
Son of Denethor and Finduilas. His brother is Boromir, who was a member of the Fellowship. Although Faramir could have got his hands on that evil Ring, he minded his manners and didn’t take it from Frodo. Another really sad fact was that his father preferred his brother, and until Faramir nearly died Denethor showed him little affection, but by then it was far too late. Faramir was nearly burned alive, but was saved by Gandalf and Pippin. Being the sensitive hunk that he is and just as handsome, Éowyn took a shine to him and later married him.
10. Boromir
Heir to the Stewardship of Gondor, Eldest son of Denethor II, Faramir’s brother and Middle-earth’s poster boy for misguided ambition and really poor judgement. What was he thinking? He had it all. Looks, lineage, a nifty horn, and a silver belt from the Lady Galadriel. What more could one want?? Apparently…the One Ring. Ah well, at least at the end he was redeemed by offering himself as a pin cushion to a band of roving Orcs at Amon Hen, protecting the song and dance duo of Merry and Pippin.
by the Realm of Ulmo
