1. The Watcher in the Water
If you are an avid tourist, then the chances are you have gone to the Walls of Moria to try and locate the Doors of Durin. You probably didn’t find them, but perhaps you did find the large sign reading: DO NOT THROW ROCKS INTO THE LAKE! The reason behind this sign is the fact that in the lake resides a quite large squid-like creature, called The Watcher in the Water. It is very lonely and since its creation it has been looking for another ‘monster’ to love it. Because of this, it gets very annoyed when people knock on its door. After a few years it got tired of screaming at people and began to eat them. It (we call this ‘it’ because none of the scientists sent to find out its gender ever returned) has developed a wonderful taste for humanoid meats. Its favourite, and least common meal is Hobbit. That is why it attacked Frodo. Because it was hungry, not because it wanted the One Ring.
2. Triceratops
Oh, the joy of stumping around as a rather happy Triceratops look-a-like in the Mesozoic age, waiting for that final meteor to hit the planet, when suddenly you see a white light and you find yourself in a weird age, with thousands of foul smelling, darn-ugly Uruks around.
‘Triceratops? In Middle-earth?’
Yep! And they are pretty impressive! And all it took was a parallel dimension, a time portal, and a few sneezing, frustrated gods, who decided to move the different kind of animals about a bit in time. Just for fun. So now they’re here, in the middle of one of the largest battles of the Third Age, dragging along a battering ram bigger than most villages and wishing that they’d never left home. Eating leaves, occasionally stampeding and being whipped out of existence by a meteor the size of Mordor was all that they’d expected from life, but now they are actually expected to use that natural armour they had sticking all over their bodies! Annoying arrows, thrown axes and flaming great rocks simply weren’t part of their idea of a good time. At least the rocks being thrown wasn’t the one that signalled the end of the world – they’d only worry when the city reared up, set itself on fire and threw itself at them; but still, it was a bit of an irritating way to spend the day. What became of them after their job was done is not known. You can probably still see them stampeding about the place occasionally, still waiting for that meteor.
3. Spiders
Tolkien didn’t care much for spiders. He got bit by one as a child, so he decided to put them in three of his books as some of the creepiest villains to inhabit Middle-earth. The Hobbit features the Spiders of Mirkwood; The Silmarillion, Ungoliant; and The Lord of the Rings, Shelob. Let’s take a closer look at their Royal Creepy-Crawly Majesties, Ungoliant and Shelob. (Notice that they’re both female?) And….Hehehe…I’m afraid that the industrial-sized can of RAID you packed isn’t going to be quiiiite enough…
Ungoliant lived alone (gee…I wonder why..?) somewhere in the south of the Pelóri Mountains. She was a greedy old gal, hungering for light but hating it at the same time, so one day she paired up with another famous baddie, Melkor, and pulled off a tree heist, sucking all the light from the Two Trees in Valinor, swelling up (talk about gas) and burping out Unlight as she did so to cover her tracks. However, Ungoliant got a little too greedy, demanding the jewels Melkor swiped as a little pick-me-up snack. Smacking her lips and still hungry, she told Melkor to hand over the Silmarils as well. Alarmed by all the burping and belching, Melkor decided he didn’t want to share any more, hollered for his balrog and sicced him on her. A balrog with a flaming whip was just a little too much for Her Creepy Highness. With as much dignity as she could muster, Ungoliant gracefully gathered up her webs and high-tailed it home to settle down to domestic bliss and raise a family, producing her lovely daughter, Shelob.
Just like dear old mum, Shelob was also a loner and had serious issues with light (probably the result of mum’s pitiful addiction to it). Shelob made her home in the Mountains of Shadow. Sauron, who lived nearby, called her “his cat” (nice kitty…) and regularly fed her tidbits of orc, men, and elves. One day something new appeared on the menu: Hobbit. Ever eager to try new dishes, Shelob scuttled after Frodo and wrapped him up as a tasty snack to enjoy later. However, Frodo’s companion, Sam wasn’t planning on being anyone’s dinner and whipped out the Phial of Galadriel. Uh oh…light…elvish light…This brought back traumatic flashbacks of life with mum, and Shelob began to have second thoughts about Hobbits. Still, she had a reputation to uphold and attacked the fat, tasty-looking Sam, getting a poke in the eye (and her tummy) with a very sharp stick for her pains. Suddenly losing her appetite for Hobbit, she scuttled off to gnaw on some orc bones to soothe her jangled nerves. Did she eventually die? No one really knows for sure….
4. Trolls
Very useful if you need a lot of heavy rocks lugged around and thrown at people. Also, have the added bonus that they are so incredibly stupid that they won’t stop to ask WHY they are lugging heavy rocks around. Trolls are meat eaters and love to fight, needing almost no excuse to start beating one another up. They are turned to stone if they are still outside at dawn, which is a very good thing if you are the next thing on their menu (it can help to keep a wizard with you if you are going into troll territory. Wizards can imitate voices and keep the trolls arguing until dawn). In the TA, Sauron bred a new kind of troll (the Olog-Hai) which could endure sunlight, and used them in the war against Minas Tirith, and to pull open the Black Gates. This is another example of how stupid trolls are; you’d think they had a tiny bit more sense than to drag huge, solid metal gates open on the orders of an evil eye and a couple of big orcs cracking whips…
5. Fell Beast
Ever fancied a ride in the air? If the answer is ‘yes’, then you definitely should continue reading. The Fell beasts were bred for Sauron’s evil purposes. They are big, black lizard-like creatures, and they do in fact look like a bat. Their wings do anyway. Moving on, the fell beasts were the steeds of the Nazgûl. They could fly high in the air, and travel long distances in a really short while. With their scream, they caused fear to every man, hobbit and elf alive. Only on the wizard Gandalf their scream appeared to have no effect whatsoever. Along with their riders, the Fell beasts caused terror and destruction everywhere they went. Now, the beasts only listen to their riders and they are really dangerous. Remember those guys in Minas Tirith? The guys that fell from the air onto the buildings? Yes, that was the fell beasts’ doing. The beasts also have a taste to human meat. One of them tried to swoop down and eat the great King Théoden, but sadly it missed, and left its neck exposed. Unfortunately for the beast, Éowyn was standing right beside it, and chopped its head off. The other remaining fell beasts were attacked by the Eagles in Mordor.
6. Huan
Dog has been man’s best friend for ages and if you’re really looking for a good example, Huan is your hound! First a faithful hunting dog to Celegorm, son of Fëanor, and before that to Oromë himself. However, when he went with the Noldor in exile, he shared their faith and it was predicted that he would die after he would meet the mightiest wolf that would ever walk on the earth. When Celegorm mistreated Lúthien the fair, Huan left his master and helped Lúthien escape from Nargothrond. This faithful dog could speak three times during his life and made good use of his gift. Sadly he died fighting Carcharoth, wolf of Morgoth, who had swallowed one of the Silmarils. Thus he played an important role in one of the greatest love stories of all times, helping to fulfil the fate of Lúthien and Beren.
7. Horses
They don’t have wings, can’t spit fire at you, will bite your bum at any opportunity, and can really mess up your day by standing on your toes. But why then are horses like Shadowfax, Snowmane, Firefoot, and Brego so popular? Well… ever taken a good look at their riders? Some people claim dogs and their owners look alike, but in Middle-earth the same seems to go for horses and their riders.
Shadowfax and Gandalf equals white and very, very, very white. Coincidence? I think not! Both also attend the weekly meeting of the BAA, the Bleach Addicts Anonymous, held every Thursday. Why else do you think neither Shadowfax, nor Gandalf could go to Helm’s Deep to fight? They had to attend their meeting (plus they didn’t feel like messing up their white appearance, but that’s another story).
Brego and Aragorn: Rugged, cool cowboy horse vs. rugged, cool Ranger. They’re not only look the same, they also share the same mind: Aragorn was tired of floating about the place and took a nap on a riverbank, and Brego came and snuggled up to him, after giving the Ranger a sweet good-night kiss. Talk about dedication!
Firefoot and Éomer. The big, loyal horse and its tall, loyal and not to mention completely gorgeous Marshal, together on a roll and chopping off some Uruk heads, is there a better way to spend a boring Monday night?
Snowmane and Théoden. In the days that Théoden was a bit too fond of the stage makeup that Éowyn had lying around, the horse wasn’t in a much better shape. Fortunately though, Sparkly White Gandy showed up and cleaned the two up a bit, after which they fought some nasty smelling Uruks (some ten thousand, but who’s counting?) and rode happily to Minas Tirith, where they decided they were too lazy to ride all the way back, and died on the spot, after almost being eaten by a Fell Beast.
8. Balrog
What do you call something taller than a three-storey building, its weapon of choice a snaking fiery whip and comprised of flame and shadow? Something that even before it’s seen inspires heart-swallowing fear in every race that walks Middle-earth, something older than even the oldest mountain range? ‘Sir’ or ’Lord’ would probably be a good choice. But actually it’s a Balrog. A big, bad Balrog. Ancient tales of old talked of seven of these demons of fire, who originally were immortal Maiar, not unlike Gandalf or Sauron. But during the time of the ‘Lamps of the Valar’, before the first age of the world, Melkor the meanie corrupted them and for a time they all lived quite cosily in his ancient fortress of Utumno, enjoying weenie roasts and s’mores and the occasional jaunt out of the gates to pillage and destroy. At least until the Valar ran out of marshmallows and swooped down on Utumno levelling it and taking Melkor, his stash and his recipe for ’Fluffernutter’. Sometime later, Melkor escaped from Valinor with some shiny baubles called the ’Silmarils’ and was captured by a foul-tempered Spider named ’Ungoliant’ who wanted the shiny, pretty things for a necklace. Hearing of this, the Balrogs came out of their hiding place in Angband and rescued him. The Lord of the Balrogs, a big dude named ‘Gothmog’ (spelled backwards is… ‘gomhtog’ – which actually means…well, nothing) was responsible for mortally wounding the Noldorin Elf Lord Fëanor in the beginning of the First Age, when his army marched on Angband. It’s not known how many of the Balrogs survived this battle, but one of them, at any rate, ended up in the Moria mines and was the cause of Gandalf the Grey having a really, REALLY bad day.
9. Dragons
If you want an awe-inspiring steed, dragons will do pretty well for you. They’re big and brawny and pretty darn impressive – as long as you do the talking. They have developed a habit of being somewhat blind to certain things, principally their own flaws. The rather arrogant dragon Smaug, who once lived in The Lonely Mountain, was famously described as an “old fool” by Mr Bilbo Baggins. This is perhaps a feature of age, or maybe of being left entirely to one’s own entertainment without any challenges for a few hundred years, but if you wanted a really clever dragon though, you’d have to go back a while. Dragons are becoming increasingly rare and the truly noticeable one, Glaurung Father of the Dragons, was unfortunately killed in a fight with Túrin a few ages back. And anyway, when he spoke you were likely to be caught in a serious trance, so a word to the wise – keep them muzzled! It would also be a big help if the dragon got angry and wanted to start breathing fire…
10. Oliphaunts
“Mr. Frodo, look! It’s an Oliphaunt. No one at home will believe this,” Dear Samwise exclaimed when he had a first look on the gigantic creature. And right he was, who would believe him when he told that he had looked in the eye of an enormous grey beast, bigger than a house, with tremendous ears and a long trunk? Oliphaunts often appear in Hobbit songs and fairy tales, but no one believes they actually exist. Sam was therefore very lucky to see one of these magnificent creatures with his own eyes, while it was squashing the rangers of Ithilien to the size of pancakes.
Mûmakil (the difficult name for oliphaunts) have been captured long ago by the Haradrim (you know, those men in weird clothes with dark eyes and hair on their face from the desert in the south) and tore them away from their beloved family and their Oliphaunt-paradise in the far south. Since then, driven by depression and sadness because of their lost home, they work for the Haradrim and do all the dirty work in war (squashing people, carrying entire towers with soldiers on their backs and hitting Rohirrim off their horses). I bet the Oliphaunts would rather have stayed in their safe Oliphaunt-paradise.
by the Realm of Ulmo
