Cassanova Ulmo, or Why the lord of the seas never found his life partner

You might have wondered many times why poor Ulmo and poor Nienna never ended up together as a happy couple while all the other Valar seemed to be a lot happier in their love life. That’s an answer the reporters of the CC wanted to know as well, so we decided to dig into the dusty past to retrieve the truth about this important matter.

After hours of studies through half-rotten pages on the old professor’s notes, we found some shocking facts, things you would have never thought to be true about our mighty water Vala. Make sure you are firmly seated and are not chewing on anything, you might swallow it in surprise and we don’t want to be the cause of someone choking on his or her lembas.

Now that you are all safe and seated: it’s our pride to reveal the entire and unabashed truth about Ulmo’s secret love life. Read, be surprised and enjoy!

When Ilúvatar, the One, started his music and taught it to the Ainur, he had already placed each of them into it, planning out their lives, their characters, their fortunes. For each Ainu he made a partner, so they could support each other in their heavy work, shaping Arda and being responsible for the First and the Second Born. Of course, he made Melkor to be alone, because who has ever heard of a villain with a wife? That would be a thing absolutely unheard of, and Eru didn’t like to do things that were unheard of…

Anyway… something slipped past Eru’s mind, or maybe it didn’t and he’d just have a weird sense of humour… you never know when you are talking of gods on that matter. However, he gave Ulmo, the sea lord, a very inappropriate characteristic. When the Valar were little, they had already a born liking for the ones that were meant to become their life partners. Ulmo, however, was different. You might not say it, but Ulmo was very naughty when he was just a little Vala, sneaking out when the girls were dressing after P.E. and trying to look under their skirts when they walked up the stairs. Trying to steal kisses of them in the play garden, you know what I mean…

When he grew older he started to flirt with all of the Valier, he loved everything about them, their grace, their sweetness and their strength. Nienna, for all this time, was secretly in love with him, ever since they had been little. But she was not blind and could see that Ulmo’s attention to her was nothing more than to any of the other Valier. She tried everything to keep his eyes off her sisters and friends and to focus on her. She sent him love letters, sang for him, danced for him (she even asked Nessa to teach her some moves) swam for him (don’t forget that he’s the lord of the waters) and literally tried everything. Ulmo was very happy with all this attention and he surely loved Nienna for doing this… But alas, Ulmo, even though he tried, could not give her the love she really wanted. He knew he would betray her if they would start dating, and he didn’t want to hurt her too much, for she was too dear to him. He knew himself too well, though he was tempted by her love and her devotion to him. It made him feel special and boosted his ego and we surely mustn’t forget to mention that in his heart Ulmo is a really sweet guy, and that he wished he could be happy with Nienna, that he could love her as she loved him… but he could not.

So Nienna wept, though, compassionate as she was, she could forgive Ulmo and could see his reason… she knew she would be hurt more when they would get together. So that is the reason why both of them more or less chose to stay alone. It was a match made in heaven, though it could never get its foot on the ground…

by kellymulder