Proudly brought to you by Mandos’ resident fortune teller – Guru Swami Killjoy
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You finished off last year surfing down the face of a wave of determination. A couple of months on and now you’re casually paddling through the sea of persistence. It’s bang on target for you to be crossing the shoreline of procrastination and walking up the beach of apathy soon so you can wrap yourself in the towel of failure just in time for an Easterly chocolate binge. Maybe now is the time to sit down with your beer of reassessment and a bowl of nuts of new direction.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You have an ace up your sleeve and ants in your pants. Grow up. Shoving stuff down your trousers and up your jumper stopped being funny when you turned 5.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are owed a great deal. As well as money, you are also owed many debts of gratitude for all the lovely things you do for less lovely people. The money problem is not so bad: Pisceans tend to be a little shy of being forward with people, but if you ask nicely and repetitively, you’ll get paid. The gratitude problem is a whole other kettle of fish (pardon the pun, watery pals) – you do so much for other people when they really don’t deserve it, and they don’t even recognize your selflessness! Pisceans also tend to be a little shy of purchasing black market weaponry, so borrow a pair of brass knuckles from a Capricornian buddy and give those ungrateful swines a mouthful of fist – don’t stop if they cry “mercy!”, only if they cry “thanks!”.
Aries (March 21- April 19)
With Mercury shifting into your celestial sector next week, it’s the perfect time for rewarding self-contemplation. Finding yourself spiritually might take a bit too long, so look yourself up in the Phone Book instead, just to make sure you’re still there.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Hug more. Not just people, hug trees and bikes and sandwiches and sticky tape. Maybe even hug yourself occasionally. With Saturn orbiting the Sun, a well-timed hug on the right person or object could really make a difference. Don’t hug cars or “agents” of any kind, for they are dangerous and should be avoided like anchovies (except “newsagents”, who can be quite pleasant and hug worthy).
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Have sushi from the poshest traditional Japanese restaurant you can find for lunch tomorrow. When you place your order, ask for a small McValue meal. If they look at you strangely, ask for it to be upsized.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
All around the world, throughout the year, we find ourselves dazzled by the displays of colour and lights that are fundraiser weeks. We find ourselves being offered a myriad of colourful buttons, badges, pens and keyrings by perky (and sometimes pesky) volunteers at every turn. The question is: Who pays for all this? Sadly, the bill falls to everyday folk like you and I. These campaigners who pop up for one week a year spend the other 51 stealing small change from down the back of our couches while we’re hanging out our washing, or from the ashtray in our cars while we pop into 7 Eleven for a Slurpee. We don’t notice it at the time, but individuals can lose an estimated $7.48 per annum. Worth it? I certainly think so; look at all the pretty colours. Support the next weekly fundraising campaign that comes your way wholeheartedly.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
With Pluto rising next Sunday, you should expect to blink an extra 3 times and maybe get an itchy knee, but bugger all else should happen, as it’s only small and millions of miles away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
One moment, people are complaining that they aren’t getting enough shifts at work, the next moment, when you shift them from being and employee to not being an employee they get all upset. It’s a bit like punch, really; everyone’s extremely happy drinking it, but give someone a punch in the face and it’s suddenly tears and blood everywhere and everyone’s unhappy. I’ve had a good look at the stars and I’m buggered if I can work any of it out – you’re on your own this fortnight, Virgo.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Next week is the time to stand up and be counted. The sad thing is that no matter how much you stand up, you’ll still only count as one. Maybe you should stand-up-and-run-around-ducking-and-weaving-and-changing-hats-and-be-counted – that should get a better score on the board.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thursday will bring dodgy microwave quiches. You will eat three and feel a little unsure about how you feel. Beware the man with no shoulders, for his messages may confuse, especially if they involve shrugging.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Well Saggie, you’re at the bottom of my horoscope list, and my mystical powers are running on empty for the day. I’m afraid you’re going to get the short end of the stick this time and cop something obscure and useless: watch out for things that go “squelch” or “psssst” on Saturdays. It’s certainly obscure, and it may SEEM useless to the untrained eye, but trust me, my friend, it could save your life.
